i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
