Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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