my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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