All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
