Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize