True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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