I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
