I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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