Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
