I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
