we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
