get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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