They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
