The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
