Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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