Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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