I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
