Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
