He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize