You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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