Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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