Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
