So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
