I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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