On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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