so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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