why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
