Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
