At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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