I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
