Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
