i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
