3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
