This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Two words: blizzard sex
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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