I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
