So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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