living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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