dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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