Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
