Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
