As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you will always have a special place in my vag
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
