I am in a vortex of obligation.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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