I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
