I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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