i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
