I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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