matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
