In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
