She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
