Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
