i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
