I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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