Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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