I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
