All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
