checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
