You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Im part way to drunk.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
